Can Christians be Friends with Unbelievers?
Commanded to Love
John 15:12-14 ESV records Jesus saying to His disciples, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.”
We are the friends of God if we obey Him, and we are commanded to love both the believer and the unbeliever as God has loved us – with the greatest love.
Dueling Companies
While the Bible is clear we ought to love unbelievers, even to death, what does the Bible say about believers being friends with unbelievers?
Proverbs 12:26 NKJV says, “The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Proverbs 13:20 NKJV goes on to say, “He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.”
Foolish Company
Who are the wicked; who are the fools? Psalm 14:1 ESV tells us: “The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds; there is none who does good.”
In Deuteronomy 30:19 NIV, God presents us a choice. “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life”. It is wise to choose life and blessings, and it is foolish to choose death and curses. This is why the unbeliever is called a fool, because apart from Jesus, there is only death and torment, as John 3:18b ESV affirms: “whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.” Only a fool willfully chooses an eternity of torment, for the Bible says man is without excuse (Romans 1:20).
Set Apart
Why does God, who desires us to win unbelievers to Himself, call us out of friendship with them?
Proverbs 4:7 AMPC says, “The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation).”
But what does wisdom have to do with having unbelieving friends? Proverbs 14:7 ESV says, “Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.”
To paraphrase 2 Corinthians 3:18: God desires that we behold Him, that we would be like Him, moving from glory to glory. We are called to behold light that we would become light; for in beholding darkness, we become darkness.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 AMPC says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers [do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with them, inconsistent with your faith]. For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and Belial [the devil]? Or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?”
Friends of the World
James 4:4 AMPC goes on to say, “You [are like] unfaithful wives [having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God]! Do you not know that being the world’s friend is being God’s enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world takes his stand as an enemy of God.”
1 John 5:19 AMPC denotes a clear distinction between believers and unbelievers (the world). “We know [positively] that we are of God, and the whole world [around us] is under the power of the evil one.” Can the mind of Christ honestly rationalize it is wise to be in companionship with those “under the power of the evil one”?
Light in Darkness
So, how are we to walk as light in darkness? How are we to live as a witness, that people would know Christ? Consider the accounts of Lot and Jonah. Lot lived in Sodom & Gomorrah among a people of perverse lifestyles, which has become normative today. 2 Peter 2:7 tells us Lot was a righteous man. How many did Lot bring to repentance in Sodom & Gomorrah through his righteous example of living? None.
Contrast this with Jonah, who was sent to Ninevah, an exceedingly great city even more wicked than Sodom & Gomorrah. For three days Jonah proclaimed the coming judgement of the Lord, and Jonah 3:5 tells us the entire city believed God and repented of their unmatched wickedness.
Jesus has called us to preach the gospel to the unbelievers, not to build friendships with them that they might, possibly, just maybe come to know Him—all the while corrupting us. 1 Corinthians 15:33 AMPC instructs us, “Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character.”
For this reason, King David says in Psalm 26:4-5 ESV, “I do not sit with men of falsehood, nor do I consort with hypocrites. I hate the assembly of evildoers, and I will not sit with the wicked.”
Dining with Sinners
Jesus’ intent in dining with sinners was not an example to us to befriend the unbelieving. He did not associate with them to be their friend, which John 15:14 says is conditional on obedience to Him. He associated with them to point them to Himself, free them from sin, and bring them to everlasting life, all the while ministering to them in love. When the Pharisees challenged Jesus’ choice of company, Mark 2:17 AMPC tells us, “He said to them, Those who are strong and well have no need of a physician, but those who are weak and sick; I came not to call the righteous ones to repentance, but sinners (the erring ones and all those not free from sin).”
Jesus is a man of decision, and in His presence, you make a choice: to believe or not to believe. He won believers through His message of repentance – not through watching basketball with them and working up the courage now and again to tell them in passing about His Father.
Jesus modeled how we ought to commune with the unbelieving. The focus is not through any shared worldly interests – of which 1 John 2:15 charges us not to have – but rather in sharing Jesus in love. John 13:34-35 ESV says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
Man on Fire
If you approach a burning building with a trapped young man dangling out the first-story window, who will be burned alive at any moment, and his rescue requires nothing more than the extension of your arms, and yet instead of helping him you choose to talk to him about the latest Netflix series – you have missed love. So it is when we fail to share the message of Jesus, which is done not out of elitism or ill motive, but out of a desperate realization that eternities are at stake and we possess the cure to the unbeliever’s fatal sickness.
If we commune with unbelievers for the purpose of companionship separate from the message of Jesus, we have failed to love them as God defines love, and per Ezekiel 3:18, their blood is on our hands. We have neglected the condition and destination of their souls, and we ourselves have chosen to behold darkness rather than light, conforming to the world’s image in place of God’s.
Iron Sharpens Iron
Proverbs 22:24-25 AMPC says, “Make no friendships with a man given to anger, and with a wrathful man do not associate, Lest you learn his ways and get yourself into a snare.”
Proverbs 27:17 AMPC goes on to say, “Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend [to show rage or worthy purpose].”
Some of you reading this will be convicted of the Biblical instruction to separate from unequally yoked friendships, or at the very least, shift the focus of these relationships exclusively to the salvation of their souls. 1 Timothy 2:4 ESV says that God “desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.” In showing them Jesus, you are loving both God and your neighbour, which Matthew 22:37 denotes as the greatest commandments of all. Begin pursuing Godly relationships, walking with the wise that you would be wise (Proverbs 13:20). Keep on loving, keep on ministering, and keep on sharing Jesus to the unbeliever—but the Bible is irrefutably clear: do not be yoked with them.
Update: Three Objections
Unsurprisingly, this post has received a bit of scrutiny. I’ve received three notable objections; below we’ll look at these in light of the scriptures.
Objection 1: Jesus is Named a “Friend of Sinners”
Jesus is indeed named a “friend of sinners”. However, it’s important to note who is titling Jesus as such, as well as the text that immediately precedes it. The entirety of Matthew 11:19 ESV reads, “The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is justified by her deeds.”
In the same sentence, Jesus is labelled a glutton and a drunkard, and is done so by the Pharisees. This is the same sect that Jesus labels: blind guides (Matt. 23:16), fools (Matt. 23:17), full of dead men’s bones and of all uncleanness (Matt. 23:27), serpents (Matt. 23:33), a generation of vipers (Matt. 23:33), hypocrites (Luke 11:44), unmarked graves (Luke 11:44), and children of the father of lies (John 8:44). These are the same people who rejected Jesus as the Son of God and crucified Him. Beloved, wisdom dictates we must not build our doctrine on the beliefs of the Pharisees.
Objection 2: Jesus Called Judas “Friend”
In Matthew 26:50a ESV, Jesus indeed calls Judas “friend”. It reads, “Jesus said to him, “Friend, do what you came to do.”” As we know, Judas was not a true follower of Christ and did not obey Him. Compared with John 15:14 ESV, which reads, “You are my friends if you do what I command you.”, this is a seeming contradiction. In instances like this, it is beneficial to study the original Greek text. It is here we discover that the Greek word used for “friend” in Matthew 26:50 is “hetairos”.
“Hetairos” is an address to a comrade – not a friend – and this is someone who is close by proximity or shared activities. “Hetairos” is used only two other times in scripture: the parables in Matthew 20:13 and Matthew 22:12. The first instance pertains to a servant who didn’t think like his master (Jesus) and deemed him unjust. The second instance speaks of one who showed up unprepared at the (Jesus’) wedding feast, without his wedding garment. The recipients of this address further support this is not equatable with friendship. A modern-day parallel to this would be a colleague.
Objection 3: Christ Died for Sinners
Indeed He did! No counter-argument there, but rather a reminder that the contents of this article and the scriptures therein to do not admonish against loving, serving, and being kind to unbelievers – all things we are commanded to do – but rather it is an admonishment regarding ongoing companionship with unbelievers. These are two very different things and the distinction must be noted.
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